Crib to Bed Transition
Has your toddler been an amazing sleeper up until the crib to bed transition? But now you can’t get them to stay in bed? Or maybe you made this transition hoping sleep would improve only to be met with a new challenge, how to get your toddler to stay in bed.
I recommend delaying the crib to bed transition as long as possible, preferably after 2.5 years of age, unless it’s unavoidable. Making this transition can cause sleep to regress even if your toddler is a good sleeper, because now they have the freedom to get out of bed.
Your toddler is now curious about where you are while they’re sleeping and may even come to your room to find you. If you’re struggling to get your toddler to stay in bed this blog post is for you. I’m going to share how I use consequences as an effective tool to reinforce the behaviors you want to see at bedtime with your toddler.
Consequences vs. Punishment
When you hear the word consequence associated with your toddler your first thought is probably a negative one. Your mind immediately jumps to the conclusion that I’m suggesting you use punishment or coercion to get your toddler to stay in their bed.
As frustrating as bedtime can get with a toddler, punishment is not an effective strategy to make changes around sleep. Any type of attention your toddler receives, whether positive or negative will only fuel that behavior.
Amy Lund from the Smarter Parenting blog explains the difference between consequence and punishment well:
“The terms consequence and punishment are often used interchangeably when talking about discipline. There is a difference between consequences and punishments.
Punishment is a behavior that inflicts emotional or physical pain on a child. It is used as a means of coercion to get your child to behave well or to do what you want.
On the other hand, consequences are a result of a behavior, whether positive or negative. Allowing natural consequences to occur is best, if possible, so children learn the cause and effect relationship of their behavior and consequences.”
Boundary Pushing
Toddlers have big emotions, and they are constantly pushing limits and boundaries, especially at bedtime. As they are discovering their independence, they often push these boundaries to test where their power ends and yours begins.
The interesting thing is that when they test the boundaries around bedtime, and those boundaries shift, they are left feeling insecure about their role as child and your role as parent. This insecurity actually makes them behave even more inappropriately as they continue to see how much you are willing to let them get away with.
Fostering Independence
During the toddler stage of development, there is so much growth and change. A major task for toddlers is independence, learning how to be independent and needing to be independent. One of the most important things for parents of toddlers is to support a toddler’s need for independence while ensuring that their need for structure and routine is being met.
While meeting their need for independence is important, staying consistent with routines is also crucial. When establishing consistency during bedtime, the bedtime routine should stay the same, no matter who puts them to bed.
When your toddler tries to direct and ask for more (books, songs, water, hugs, etc.), stay firm with boundaries. As adults, it may not seem like reading an extra book is a big deal, but to a toddler, it can shift the control back from you as the parent, to them. Consistency is crucial for toddlers to cooperate.
One way to foster this need for independence is to give them choices during the bedtime routine. This gives them some control (within reason) of part of their routine. A proper choice has 2 equally positive choices. For example:
“Of these two pairs of pajamas, which would you like to wear?”
“Of these 4 books, which 2 would you like to read tonight?”
“Do you want your light orange or yellow tonight?”
Using a Toddler Clock
In order to teach your child to stay in bed until morning time, it’s helpful to have a tool that teaches them time in a way they will understand. There are several options for a toddler clock, but the Hatch is by far my favorite.
It’s a great tool to use to teach children when it is okay to get up in the morning. Use the time to rise function on the Hatch app to set “morning time” along with a color and sound of their choosing. If you aren’t sure how to do this, view my reel where I show how to use the time to rise function.
The easiest option is to make green morning time, because as most toddlers know, “Green means Go”. You can choose what works best for your toddler, but I’ve found great success with using green for the wakeup color and another color (red, white or off) at bedtime.
This will help avoid power struggles in the morning, so your toddler is relying on the clock to tell him when he can get out of bed, instead of a parent. Again, it is crucial that you stay 100% consistent with the clock. If not, it will become meaningless, and he won’t follow it.
Practice using this clock during the day, so your toddler gets used to it before introducing it at bedtime. You can start off by setting it for 6:00 a.m. or whatever time your toddler normally wakes up. After staying in bed until 6:00 a.m. successfully for a week or two, move morning wake time later towards your desired wakeup time.
Sleep Rules
In order to encourage desired behaviors at bedtime, you must set clear rules around what is expected at bedtime. Remember, consistency is important. The more you stress these rules with your child, the better they will understand what’s expected.
You can’t force your child to fall asleep quickly (as much as we want to some nights). However, you can manage their stalling behavior which ultimately keeps them awake longer. The sleep rules you should use are simple:
- Stay in Bed
- Lay Quietly
- Lay in Bed Quietly until your Clock says it’s Morning Time
You need to review these rules ahead of time with your child so you’re not explaining them at bedtime or after they’ve failed to stay in bed. Once they’re tucked into bed and the lights are out (with the exception of a nightlight) these rules apply. Any other behavior is considered stalling. How do you address the stalling? With consequences of course.
Using Consequences at Bedtime
Both parents and caregivers must be 100% consistent when enforcing these sleep rules at bedtime in order for the consequences to be effective. The consequences are there to help your toddler learn these new boundaries. Remember, you are taking back that control over bedtime.
Determine an effective consequence. The consequence should be something that your child doesn’t like, so that they will want to follow the sleep rules. If your toddler prefers you to be in the room while they fall asleep, but they are refusing to lay quietly, an appropriate consequence would be that you leave the room.
You can also take an item before leaving the room if you need a more persuasive consequence. The child must be attached to this item. For example, a lovey, a blanket or even their pillow. When you implement this consequence, you are not going to talk or explain what you are doing. You give one warning, then immediately implement the consequence. The less emotion the better.
When you leave the room you will need to close the door behind you and hold it shut. While this may seem a little callous, you don’t have to leave for very long. Just long enough that your toddler will want to cooperate. They ultimately want you in the room, so once they connect that following the rules means you will stay, they cooperate quickly.
I’ve given you many of the tools I use with my toddler clients to help navigate sleep and ultimately get them to stay in bed. Toddlers can be very persistent and you may still see night wakings at first. If you have tried all these things to no avail or are in need of a more detailed plan, I can help! Book your free call with me today!
As a Bonus for reading this to the end, I’m going to share a sample Bedtime Routine Chart with you! Click here if you have a boy and click here if you have a girl.