Coping With Anxiety
Motherhood is a roller coaster of emotions: joy, love, depression, fulfillment, anxiety, pride, thankfulness, overwhelm and exhaustion to name a few. You’re expected to sleep when the baby sleeps, but also return to work after 2-3 months along with caring for yourself and other children.
If your baby isn’t sleeping you probably aren’t either and in general you’re exhausted. You’ve tried all the things and you just can’t function anymore. Sleep deprivation is real, but the thought of sleep training brings your anxiety and overwhelm to a whole new level.
You know that sleep is essential for growing children and that you also need sleep to function. You’ve googled baby sleep, asked momma friends for advice and maybe even asked your pediatrician. The advice has ranged from cosleeping, to waiting it out to doing cry it out. None of which is helpful advice.
The truth is that not all sleep training methods are the same and sleep training doesn’t automatically mean you’re letting your baby cry themselves to sleep. The consensus of the pediatric community is that sleep is vital to your baby’s development and well-being.
You are 100 percent positive that your little one needs some help learning how to fall asleep independently, and you’re dedicated to helping them overcome this obstacle. On the other hand, you’re anxious and uncertain of where to even start.
Every family I’ve worked with has started off with some level of anxiety and uncertainty mixed with excitement. They know they are ready to get their family sleeping again and that they’ve found a solution that will work. But even with all of the research and evidence that this is a safe, effective process, it’s hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel.
This is your baby. And when it comes to your baby, all of the research in the world can’t override your concern that you might be doing something wrong. Especially if your baby doesn’t seem to take to the new way of doing things right away.
Why are you getting this feeling, this hesitation? Well, as we all know babies cry as part of their communication which can be upsetting to hear as a parent. When you’re making a big change like this your baby is going to cry to let you know they don’t know how to do this yet. This makes sleep training that much harder. I’ll talk more about crying soon.
Sleep Deprivation
You’re probably running on empty at this point when it comes to your own sleep. If your baby’s not sleeping, it’s almost a guarantee that you’re not sleeping either, and that can wreak havoc on your emotional well-being.
Sleep deprivation stimulates activity in the amygdala, which is a part of the brain that controls several of your immediate emotional reactions.
According to a 2007 joint study between Harvard Medical School and U of C Berkeley, “…a lack of sleep inappropriately modulates the human emotional brain response to negative aversive stimuli.”
Which means that you’re more likely to overreact when things go bad. When your baby starts to cry, you’re less inclined to think, “what does she need?” and much more likely to think things like, “I’m failing my baby.”
This is what happens after one night of sleep deprivation, so you can imagine what chronic lack of sleep over the course of weeks, or even months, can lead to. You may even be experiencing it right now. It leaves you feeling helpless, inadequate, and riddled with anxiety.
More About the Crying
Now let’s revisit the controversial topic of crying.
Even though the methods I use with my families are not “Cry It Out”, crying is evident during sleep training. So yes, your baby is going to cry while you implement these new rules around bedtime. It takes time to teach them a new skill. That is their way of communicating with you. I highly recommend reading this article by Janet Lansbury. She talks all about crying and the purpose it serves.
There are other times when your baby is going to cry, but for safety reasons you aren’t able to stop the crying. I’ll never forget my first long car ride with my first born as a baby. I was terrified she would start crying and I wouldn’t be right there next to her. And it happened plenty of times after that, but she had to stay safe in her car seat. This still happens with my almost 3 year old, so I’m used to it at this point.
Your baby will cry for their shots and maybe even when you give them a bath. As they get older, they will be able to vocalize why they’re upset, like when you say no to that cookie or candy or watching TV, which makes it even harder!
In these situations you know they’re not in any danger or genuine distress in those situations, but you’re still going to feel your heart explode when you hear your baby crying.
If we look at this objectively, we can see that there’s an actual reason why the sound of a crying baby causes us such distress, and it’s not because of the actual level of urgency. Dr. David Poeppel, Professor Of Psychology & Neural Science at NYU, found that a crying baby differs from other environmental noises in something called the “amplitude modulation rate,” meaning how often the loudness of a sound changes.
Crying babies, along with car alarms and police sirens, have a modulation rate of about 100 times per second, compared to a regular speaking voice, which hovers somewhere between 4 or 5.
Experiments were done with an MRI to monitor the brains of people while listening to a variety of sounds. Poeppel found that baby screams have a unique ability to trigger activity in… you guessed it, the amygdala.
Get Help
Now I’m not sharing all of this to somehow trick you into thinking you won’t be anxious now that you understand why a baby’s crying can be so upsetting. Sleep training is not an easy process and it’s not for every family. But, the side effects of sleep deprivation are serious and it’s important to find a sleep solution that works for your family.
The crying during sleep training while hard, is not forever. It’s a temporary side effect of giving your child the gift of independent sleep. I always tell my anxious moms that when you hear baby crying and you feel your anxiety rising, remember: baby had a full feeding, so it’s not hunger, they have a clean diaper and they are safe, they are not in pain. They are protesting the change at bedtime and you can always go in and respond as needed.
I hope sharing the science behind why we feel what we feel, is helpful to understand before you take on the challenge of helping your baby sleep through the night. If you’re undecided or not sure where to start, you don’t have to do this alone. Book a free call with me today and we can talk through your specific situation so I can share how I can help you.
If you are suffering from PPD or PPA, find someone that can help you. Your mental health is just as important as your baby’s health. When you feel overwhelmed, it’s important to reach out to your spouse, partner or friends or family for support.