Attachment Parenting and Sleep Training?
The topic of sleep training is no doubt a very controversial topic among mothers. I have found that moms are either a big fan of sleep training or firmly against it. I’m hoping that I might be able to change the minds of those mothers in the anti-sleep training camp today.
It won’t be easy, obviously, because when is it ever? But when it comes to parenting topics, there are so many emotional ties and hardened beliefs that enter into the equation that make just bringing up the topic such a heated debate. A lot of times minds are made up and there’s no argument that’s going to change that.
As parents, we bear an enormous responsibility. It’s not just about keeping our little ones alive, warm, fed and happy. We’re all looking to raise exceptional human beings. We’re responsible for the quality of our children’s lives long after they’ve left the nest, and many of the decisions we make today are going to determine who they are when they grow up, even 50 years from now.
It comes as no surprise that we take any and all decisions regarding our children very, very seriously.
I’ll admit that I find the idea of attachment parenting more than a little interesting, and I can definitely see why it appeals to a lot of parents. After all, most of us want to love our kids unreservedly, especially in those first few years. Our instincts are all about holding baby close, meeting their every need the moment it arises, and protecting them with the strength and determination of Super Woman. So often we are told, “enjoy these moments because they grow up so fast” and I couldn’t agree more. Cherish every moment with your little ones. The only time I’m not with my children is when my oldest is at school or they’re sleeping.
For anyone who’s not familiar, attachment parenting is a parenting philosophy that was popularized by Drs. William and Martha Sears in their 1993 publication, “The Baby Book.” The idea, in a nutshell, is maximum closeness and responsiveness. You wear your baby, you share a bed with your baby, you breastfeed on demand, and you answer their cries immediately.
In theory, this creates a strong attachment between mother and baby, which results in well-adjusted children who grow up to be happy, healthy, contributing members of society.
Now, all of these theories have been debated endlessly and passionately, but there’s no strong evidence to show that attachment parenting is better or worse than other parenting styles. If you want more information on attachment parenting, a quick Google search will provide you with more than enough material to educate you on the subject.
But that’s not what I want to talk about today. This is about whether attachment parenting and sleep training are mutually exclusive.
I have worked with more than a few clients who subscribe to the attachment parenting ideology and they usually feel like they’re going against this ideal.
You see, an important thing to note here is that Dr. Sears included a catchy bullet point list of the principles of attachment parenting that he refers to as “The Seven B’s.” They are, in no particular order…
- Birth Bonding
- Breastfeeding
- Baby Wearing
- Bedding Close to Baby
- Belief in the Language Value of Your Baby’s Cry
- Beware of Baby Trainers
- Balance
As you can see, some of these titles are a little bit of a stretch. But I think he did alright. I mean hey, there are seven of them and the guy is a pediatrician, not a poet.
So, the first three have nothing to do with sleep training. You can bond with your baby as much as you want, breastfeed as long as you want, and wear your baby in a sling everywhere you go. As a pediatric sleep coach, I would tell you that’s all absolutely fine.
The three that follow are the ones that tend to give attachment parenting advocates pause when they think about sleep training.
Sleeping close to baby is another term for bed sharing, or co-sleeping, which Dr. Sears is a big fan of. It’s a common belief that pediatric sleep coaches are firmly against bed sharing, and I won’t act like I don’t know where that came from. The consensus from most of my colleagues, myself included, is that babies sleep better, and so do their parents, when they aren’t all in the same bed. More people in the bed means more movement, more movement means more wake ups, and more wake ups means less actual uninterrupted sleep. Uninterrupted sleep is that deep sleep that everybody needs to get on a regular basis.
So, now for the real question. Is co-sleeping an absolute deal breaker when it comes to sleep training? Well, yeah. Pretty much. Teaching babies to fall asleep independently isn’t really feasible when Mom is in arms’ reach at all times.
Now, I have heard a lot of parents say they get better sleep when they bed share with their little ones, and that’s absolutely fine with me if it works well for your family. If your family is all sleeping in the same bed and you’re all sleeping well, then there’s no need to make any changes.
However, if your definition of bed sharing is that one parent is sleeping on the couch and one of you is sleeping in bed with baby, waking every 45 minutes to breastfeed back to sleep, then I would say there’s room for improvement. Unless everyone is getting uninterrupted sleep, then this situation is not what would be commonly described as “quality sleep.”
For anyone who wants to keep their little one close but would rather not wake up multiple times during the night by being kicked in the ribs, I suggest sharing a room instead of a bed. As long as baby has a separate space to sleep, like a crib or a play pen, then sleep training is once again a workable option.
WHAT ABOUT THE CRYING?
Crying is the only way for babies to communicate. This is how babies express discontentment, no question about it. Whether it’s a wet diaper, a hunger cry or general discomfort, babies cry to express that they want or need something. It’s up to us to figure out what that cry means.
So, yes, your baby is going to cry while you try to teach them independent sleep skills. They don’t know how to self soothe yet so that is their way of telling you they don’t like it. However, a lot of my clients are surprised when I tell them that sleep training does NOT require them to leave their babies alone to cry until they fall asleep. In fact, I typically don’t recommend waiting longer than about 10 minutes before responding to a crying baby.
I do suggest giving your baby a few minutes to see if they can fall back to sleep on their own, because the majority of the time they start to self soothe without your intervention. But the idea that sleep training requires parents to close the door at bedtime and leave their little ones until the next morning, regardless of the intensity or duration of their crying, is, outrageous and not something any sleep consultant would recommend.
So we’ve managed to get to the last two of the seven B’s without any real issues, but this next one is going to be tough to navigate.
“Beware of baby trainers.”
So let me just level with you here, okay? I can’t speak for everyone in my profession, but as a Certified Sleep Sense Consultant, I am part of the largest collaborative network of pediatric sleep coaches in the world, and we all have one thing in common.
We’re passionate about helping families.
We’ve had this same issue ourselves and searched for a solution. We made the changes and have seen firsthand the difference it made in our lives. Now, we’re devoted to helping others the same way we helped our own babies because we want to give you that same life changing solution and support you along the way.
And for anyone who might be thinking, “They’re just in it for the money,” I implore you to try working with exhausted parents and overtired babies for a few nights and tell me about how easy the money is. If this job were just about turning a profit, we would all find something else to do, believe me.
We work with people in their most stressful, frantic moments, and it is challenging work. The reward is in the results; the smiles of those happy babies and the relief in the eyes of the parents who are feeling reinvigorated and re-energized about raising kids now that they’re getting enough sleep. Not to mention that they’re also able to get a full night of uninterrupted sleep as well.
My only other issue with the attachment parenting style outlined by Dr. Sears lies in the last of his seven rules.
Balance.
“Wear your baby everywhere, breastfeed on demand, respond immediately to every whimper, sleep next to them, and hey, remember to take some time for yourself, because it’s all about balance.”
That’s a loaded sentence. Be at your child’s every beck and call, but balance your parenting responsibilities with your self- care, easier said than done. Being a mother is a priority. It can easily be argued that it should be your main priority. Many would tell you that it’s your only priority, but that’s not the reality. We are mothers, wives, employees, managers, home room moms, neighbors, coaches and all-around multi-taskers (just to name a few).
If you’re going to be all of the above and more and be the best mom you can be, you absolutely, inarguably, need to get regular, sufficient rest. Preferably an uninterrupted, full night of rest.
Motherhood is incredibly demanding and requires a finely-tuned well-oiled machine to do it right. You have to be patient, understanding, energized, empathetic, entertaining, and focused to be a good parent. Ask yourself, how many of those qualities would you say you possess on three hours of sleep? After all, there’s no time off for moms.
“(24/7) once you sign on to be a mother, that’s the only shift they offer.”
― Jodi Picoult
It reminds me that we, like our babies, are unique, and all of these parenting recipes need to be tweaked and adjusted to suit our individual needs and preferences.
If attachment parenting is your thing, don’t let me stop you. The best parenting strategy is the one that works for you and your family.
But if your little one isn’t sleeping and bed-sharing doesn’t seem to be rectifying the problem, I urge you to consider bending Dr. Sears’ rules a little and seek out some help.
I won’t tell him if you don’t.
If you are looking to make some changes but aren’t sure where to start, I offer free 15 minute evaluation calls- schedule one today.